Saturday, June 26, 2004

I have been awake but six hours and little time passes when I am not aware of the bagpipes being played in a nearby field. Six hours ago I awoke from an unsettling dream that left me in a dark and impatient mood. I drew the blinds and tugged at the window to console myself. The day looked promising: the sky azure and bright. I then heard the haunting drones of bagpipes wafting up into my bedroom. A strange beginning, I thought. I found some clothes and stepped out into a cold summer's day. The air was crisp and potent. I walked back inside and resolved to begin the day anew. I put myself to work. In an hour I had cleaned the place some and showered. The space from then until now was filled with reading: in that space I finished Cold Mountain.
And here I sit, my mind still wading through the tragic beauties of a story where pain is depicted, remedied and discussed in careful detail. I become aware of the enigmatic relationship between pleasure and pain: “just recollecting pleasures long ago is pain enough,” admits one character.
It seems that the manner in which a story ends changes the pleasure one encounters along the way; and yet, I remember the comforting irony that stories never end; they only seem to end. The pangs of finality dim, become overshadowed by the rising of seemingly “new” stories, only to slowly explode into an expansive sunset, layered in both colour and tone.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

streets are my veins
dirt bile urine
my blood is flowing
bottle to body

styrofoam cups
stale cheap & sooty
coffee lipstick dirt
steeped in water

make it right:
flood my streets

spill the wine
in this heart's gutter
and let that dark marry
red the dirt

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I am being pruned. Pieces of myself are cut away. I watch as the Gardener amputates my flowering limbs. I feel the wind move slow through branches that no longer exist. My pain is indifferent to understanding. All there is to do is grieve. And trust. And hope.

Sadness is a strange and bitter juice. It enters the mouth in ways that are difficult to trace. Sadness is a juice that is not easy to spit; nor is its taste easy to flush out. To swallow sadness quickly is unwise; it must dissolve slowly under the tongue. The potency of sadness must be respected: do not become what you digest; do not allow sadness to turn inside out. Yes, too much sadness sprouts an insidious growth; spreading from the gut it soon envelops you in a warm and cozy cocoon.

I am pruned. I am little twigs sticking out of a pot. I am raisined bark tightening ‘round coarse veins. My life-blood lies dormant.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Ahh to chose one’s own reading…here is a fluid reading list I have compiled especially for this time:

“Falling Into Place” by John Terpstra
“Snow Falling on Cedars” by David Guterson
“Cold Mountain” by Charles Frazier
“Man in Black” -Johnny Cash’s autobiography
“The Message: The New Testament in Contemporary Language” by Eugene Peterson
“Surprised by Joy” –a C.S. Lewis classic
“Midnight’s Children” –Salman Rushdie!!!
“Holy the Firm” Annie Dillard (…yes Anna I still have your mom’s book)
“Naked Trees” John Terpstra
“The Return of the Prodigal Son” Henri J.M. Nouwen
“The Just War Revisited” Oliver O’Donovan
“Justice, Not Just Us” –by CPJ vetern Gerald Vandezande
“The Ecstasy of Skeptics” –Steven Heighton
"The Dubliners" -James Joyce

I love it when people recommend books to me; so please feel free to leave suggestions. And for those of you who have read some of these books…tell me your thoughts.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

As many of you know this past Sunday was Pentecost. One of the things I appreciate about Sacred Space is the fact that they follow a strict calendar; so as you can imagine there has been a lot of reflection on the Holy Spirit lately.

Here is one of the thoughts I was asked to meditate on today:

Freedom

God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit.

This seemed odd to me at first: should my most intimate desires be nurtured by the Spirit? …not all my desires are righteous. Then I recalled Sacred Space’s introduction to this week: “When Jesus promised to send his Spirit on his disciples, he added a curious note: 'There are many things I have to tell you, but not now. The Spirit will remind you of all things I have said to you.'”
The writer goes on to say that prayer helps us realize what we already know; when the apostles received the Holy Spirit they were not so much changed as reminded. The Spirit’s reminder gave them courage to speak from their heart of hearts.
I hope that my most intimate desire is to love God. I hope that all my other desires grow out of this root desire. These stem desires, however, are diseased. Even my root desire –I fear- is often stifled.
It seems that as the Spirit breathes life into my desires I am reminded of my root desire; such reminding recasts and reclaims my misguided stem desires. And as I imagine myself enfolded by the Spirit I realize my posture of surrender: all my wishes, ambitions, ideals and dreams must be laid at the foot of the cross.